Morning Stew

Still working

2009-08-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

So far so good. New job is working well. I haven't managed to work out since starting the new job, though. I am using the Lose It app for my i phone. I have managed to lose another 4.5 lbs. since my last post. Still in the overweight category, and according to to wi i fit, my ideal weight is still another 23 lbs to go. ideal? I think I weighed that much when I was 17!! Whatever. Another 3-4 pounds, and I think I'm good to go. After all, I am a man, not a teenager!

Still debating about the car, can't use the fed. clunker program since it's a high MPG japanese car. plus I'm not big into destroying things that are clearly still useful. I might take it to a dismantler. or donate for a tax benefit.

LG is going through her terrible 3s right now, but she's not even three yet! (Soon, very soon). She's making the transition into pre-school (age 3-4) right now. Uh-oh, big kids, big britches!

I was a speaker/moderator at a group for adoptive dads (to-be) last month. Interesting.

People at my new job ask me if I have kids, and when I say, 1, they always ask are you going to have more?

Announcements

2009-07-10T12:51:00.000-07:00

I start a new job on Monday.
I have lost 10 lbs. with a combination of Wii Fit, EA Sports Active, and reduction of food intake. 3 Months. My BMI is still over 26 (overweight category).
My car failed smog inspection.
The produce clerk asked LG if she had a little brother. She replied, "Not Yet."

Memory Flash

2009-05-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

I was driving back from the grocery store with my window down and my arm on the ledge. The wind was blowing up my cuff, and rolling the edge back, almost folding it over. I was reminded of a woman I dated in college, who “taught” me to cuff my sweatshirt sleeves. I say “taught” because as a little kid, my parents would do that for my jackets to make sure my hands wouldn’t be covered up, since I was small.

As I got older, like a teenager, I stopped doing it, because it looks “lame.” And it highlights the fact that you’re small. (As if all the kids didn’t know I was short anyways). When I went to college, I met a lot of other Asian Americans and grew to find an acceptance into a community where I “looked” like I belonged. This woman I dated was about 4’11” and she had a lot of the same clothing size related issues I did. And even though my sweatshirts were cuffed, it sure looked better than massively bunched up sleeves! Anyway, my college experience was a growth period for me as an Asian American, where I began to get comfortable in my skin.

What happens when you grow up as a minority Asian in your community and school? If it is anything like me, you grow up as the smallest kid in your class. Always in the front for the class picture. Too small to play during recess with the kids in your class. Always losing in 1 on 1 basketball. Always losing at tetherball, cuz you can’t ever reach the ball to get your chance to swing it. Always getting denied at the school dances cuz you come up to the girls’ armpits. Can’t go out for football cuz your too small (rules out your chances with the cheerleaders). I guess you can always study hard and try for the smart chicks. High school. Hard time for everyone actually. I did eventually date a cheerleader, though…

Anyway, it’s funny how a simple event like a wind draft up your sleeve can trigger a flood of memories and experiences.

Diabetes

2009-05-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I rode 50 Miles on Sunday for the Amer ican Diabetes Asso ciation. It was a 4 hour ride for me, since I hadn't trained for it like I thought I would. I have 2 family members currently living with diabetes. There is some belief that type 2 diabetes (or the pre-disposition towards it) runs in the family. This could also be more lifestyle-related, and families (even grown adult siblings of the same family) tend to have been influenced by and live a similar lifestyle. Meaning increased exercise and a 'better' diet lifestyle can work to fight type 2.

This is one of the reasons I ride for, donate to, and raise money for the Amer ican Diabetes Asso ciation. Because:

You are at an increased risk for type 2 diabetes if you are

African-American, Latino, Native American, Asian American or Pacific Islander
Over 45
Underactive, overweight, or obese (According to my Wii fit, I am overweight, borderline obese)
someone with a family history of diabetes
a woman who has had gestational diabetes

so for me, already 3 out of 5, creeping up on 4 out of 5 (age) - and since I am NOT a woman, I could never really get to 5 of 5....

I used to be very active as a teen and in my early 20s, but "Grown-up" life doesn't really seem to allow time for exercise. It doesn't pay the mortgage, buy the groceries, feed and diaper the kid, wash the laundry, keep the lights on, run the heater, etc. etc.

But when you think about these risk factors, and keep in mind that our food supply (and thus our bodies and our health) is loaded with fat, sugar, salt, and preservatives, you have to admit, we're on a road going steeply downhill with crappy brakes.

I am glad to have ridden on Sunday, rain and shine, and for the insight this event has given me to keep my weight down and increase my cardio exercise. Ride on!

Updates

2009-05-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

3 weeks of Wii Fit. No noticeable BMI or weight change, although I am trimming down in the waistline a bit.
Bicycle riding. I have been riding about an hour a day, and according to my bike computer, I am burning about 4-500 calories. So over a week, I should lose 1 pound. 7 days x 500 calories= 3500 calories= 1 pound.
I am riding 50 miles on Sunday, I expect it to take 4-5 hours.
LG has been wearing underwear to school for 2 days now. Not a single accident. (Diapers at nap and nighttime, though)
Possibly could have met Firegirl, who was out in my neck of the woods, but schedules did not permit. Rats!
LGs been taking a keen interest in newborn babies (one of her classmates has a new baby brother) - and I am really processing the 'talk.' She has some knowledge of our trip to China, where we started as a family, and of the orphanage where she was living, and the caretakers, but I think she's starting to process where are her pictures as a baby....

Bad Blogger

2009-04-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's me. You would think, being laid off, that I would have time to post. Like every day. Guess not. What have I been doing?

1) looking for a job

2) filing for unemployment

3) lots of domestic duties

4) daddy-daycare a couple of days a week

5) car maintenance

6) eating alot

so today, this is our newest addition to the family.

Happy New Year

2009-01-26T14:14:00.000-08:00

For those who follow CNY, Happy New Year.

It's been awhile, so we'll do the bullets update.

the economic situation has hit home, Stew is being laid off in a month.
LG is talking ALOT. Starting to say 3 word sentences. a fave right now is "daddy, MY (insert word)
the "my" is getting dropped from "mommy," who is now about 50% of the time being referred to as "Mom" Remember, she's not even 2 1/2 yet!
She likes using her "chop-chop" (chopsticks) but gets frustrated after 10-15 seconds and reverts to the spoon
Potty-training is still in progress; she can keep a dry diaper, and sometimes will tell you when she needs to pee, but when in training pants, she just pees and then tells you she pee'd.
She started eating chicken drumsticks right off the bone.
doesn't cry every single time she falls down anymore.
Fell down the stairs the other night when she was running away from me (down the stairs) while I was insisting that she hold me hand. After 2 stairs somersault and 4-5 stairs of Superman slide; me throwing down the food and scrambling after her without stepping on her, I was able to hold her and comfort her a bit, and reprimand her for NOT holding my hand on her way down the stairs. She was more scared, and only suffer a small rug burn on her nose, and definitely slowed down and held my hand for the 2 flights of stairs.

That's about all I can come-up with, and that we're going to be eating Chinese food for about the next month non-stop. In the exact words out of LG's mouth - "Why?"

"Because we're Chinese."

"Why?"

"uhh...because we are."

More sick

2009-01-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I was off work on Monday because I got a cold; I didn't even lift my head off the pillow until 11AM. It would have been a good day to do some blog posts, but I barely got up to take some A!rborn, the 'proven, non-effective supplement'. Went back to work yesterday, with some congestion, but runny nose gone.

Last week LG had diarhea. Luckily, she's been doing some potty training, so the first episode was on the toilet (we use a potty seat on the toilet, not a self-contained potty chair). She was still unhappy about it, though. Early the next morning she had another episode in her diaper. Whew, stinkyyyy!

Anyway, she was still eating, and had no fever, and generally seemed OK, but we stayed home and she napped for about 1 hour in the mid-morning and then again in the afternoon for about 2 hours. I guess she needed the rest.

Later that night, she had another BM; solid this time. But it was whitish color (or absent of color). I've heard of this before; for people with nasty colds, but I know that not everyone looks at and discusses their BMs. Especially not the color or shape or consistency of it. (except for new parents, and then it's only about the kid's BM, not their own)

Each day has progress with more and more color, so it appears to be more normal now. A couple of days ago I g00g led 'white BM' and found some link to forums where people mentioned it might be mucus, and just montior it for a few days - if it persists to call the ped then. so I think we're OK, the BMs are solid and somehwat colored again. sorry if it's TMI,

Bullets

2009-01-05T15:55:00.001-08:00

2 bullets because there are 2 topics...

We bought some small chopsticks for LG. Just to start practicing with. Some things, we are just REALLY old-school about. And using chopsticks (for me) is one of those things. DW sent me video link a couple of years ago about ‘making trainer chopsticks’ with some paper and a rubber band, and I flat out told her – “no way is a kid of mine going to be seen using something like that. Back in the day, no one in China ever used ‘Trainer chopsticks.’ As a matter of fact, did you use trainer chopsticks? Because I know for a fact that I never had a rubber band around mine.” My mom actually had a homemade set of small bamboo chopsticks (cut down and sanded smooth) for us kids to learn with. I think in Asia kids start using chopsticks around the age of 3 – so up until now, we’ve been using fork and spoon with LG, but one night, at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants, we saw a father with his 2 daughters eating dinner. And the youngest (who looked smaller than LG) was using chopsticks (!!). So a few days later we went to the Ichibankan (Japanese $0.99 store) and found some small chopsticks that even had little grippy bumps on the end (helpful since the Japanese chopsticks are tapered). So far, she has had a couple of successful uses – noodles and a piece of chicken. No pressure, though, she can always switch to her fork or spoon (or fingers), if necessary.

Last night I asked DW if LG was Happy. She looked at me as if I were high. I couldn’t put my question into other words. I mean she’s got a killer sweet demeanor, hugs, kisses, she shares (not main foods, but snacks). She smiles, and laughs, loves to tickle and be tickled. She loves piggy-back rides, gives and receives massages. She plays with shoes, often wearing DW or mine and shuffling around the house. She plays with her dolls and stuffed animals. She loves looking for choo-choos as we drive around town. She’s friendly and outgoing (but sometimes a little shy or bashful). What I’m wondering is, is she happy? I mean her life, like is she happy with her life? With us. Because on some level, this union as a family was a choice. Which seems a weird way to put it. But if LG were able to choose, would she have chosen us?

Pt. 4

2008-12-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

Thursday, day 4 at home from school. Mommie stayed home with LG and they had a wonderful day together. Some coughing persists, but generally, she’s better. They went to my MILs and she ate almost an entire Chinese tamale by herself. Whew, her appetite is back!

I came home kind of early, around 5:40. LG was in a bit of a mood, though, preferring to have Mommie hold her, but Mommie was trying to prepare chicken for dinner. LG wanted to sit on the counter next to Mommie’s raw chicken cutting board, but wouldn’t let me pick her up to put her there. Tears rolling, and crying out, Mooooommiiiiiiiieeeee! Mmmmoooooommmmmmiiiiiiieeeee!!!

Finally, I was able to set her on the counter, and she kept trying to push me away with her hands and her feet. But I had to stay there to make sure she didn’t try to grab the knife (she is only 2, after all). She started looking around the counter and saw some old, stale Cheese puffs that she wanted to eat. So she asked me (reluctantly), and since I was able to open the bag for her. Eventually, (after about 6 cheese puffs) she let me stay there, too.

We had a wonderful evening of family time, with DW wrapping presents and LG helping with the sticker labels. Mommie and LG went in for bath time, and I cleaned up the kitchen. Afterwards, the usual repaper for bedtime rituals, and Mommie and LG went off to bed.

About 5 minutes later, DW comes out and says, “she’s asking for you.” Huh? Ok, I get up to gio to LG’s bedroom, where I am greeted by LG, who has gotten out of bed to come get me. She pulls me by the hand to her bed, climbs in, I tuck her in, and she whispers, “Daddy.”

“I’m here,” I whispered, as a I put my hand on her back. And in about 3 minutes, she was sound asleep.

Friday morning update: Today she went to daycare – boy, was she happy to see all her familiar faces! Big smiles! And a very easy, “Bye, Daddy!”

pt 3

2008-12-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

edit: I guess I actually forgot to post about Day 2 home with Daddy. So Monday, Day#1 (off work) - was the day following Daddy's night (called night #2). Day #2 (Tuesday) actually seemed like she was getting better. She ate a couple of bites of banana and yogurt, and 2 sips of milk for breakfast. Then she sat next to me, while I did some work form home, and drew on some paper. Then she drew on her hand and wanted to wash it off. On the way to the bathroom, she was so excited, she started to run. And tripped and fell head-first into the door frame. Screaming, crying, you name it.
I thought she needed a long drive to get some extra nap time in, so we drove to another part of the bay for some lunch. Which she did (sleep). Got there, ordered up a fish taco with some beans and rice. She had 1 bite of beans and rice, started coughing and wanted NO more. She sat on my lap and was hot and flushed in the face, so we got back into the car and drove home. She slept again for about 30 minutes.
When we got home, I turned on the choo-choo for her, and she sat, leaning up against the couch on some pillows, zoning out with the video, until she finally pooped out around 3:15 and fell alseep. So I left her there on the floor to sleep for about 1 and 1/2 hours while I did some work from home.
She had a couple of bites of dinner, and then she was done. DW had a great idea for some menthol chest rub, so off I went while Mommie and LG did bath time. She didn't want milk, but sat them calmly while I rubber the menthol on her. She actually seemed to like it. I wondered if they used something similar in the orphanage (I'm actually pretty sure they did, seems like a very 'Chinese' thing to do). DW was able to get her down for sleep at 9.
edit complete.

Well actually, it's Day 3. Another day home with LG yesterday. She actually slept the whole night without getting up or crying out once! However, she still had a pretty deep cough, and I was thinking that at the daycare, she'd be playing outside etc, so she wouldn't be resting. So she stayed with me, we went grocery shopping, then went to have lunch with Mommie. She fell asleep in the car for about 10 minutes. We actually ran some errands and she didn't want anything to eat, so we went home and she slept for about 40 minutes in the car (i just parked it until she coughed herself awake).
Then we went inside and I was able to whip up some tunasalad and feed her some on some butter crackers. Whew! It's nice to know she's starting to eat again. She didn't want any milk, though, makes her cough alot.
Then I made her lie down, turned off the choo-choo video, turned off the Christmas tree lights, pryed the choo-choo out of her fingers, turned on her lullaby music, and let her cry it out for about 10 minutes, "Mommmieeee! My choo-choo! My choo-choo! Lights (Christmas tree)!!! Mommiee!! Mommmieeee!!! etc. (10 minutes)"
Then she was out light a light. For 2 hours.
Had a fantastic dinner where she actually ate a good amount.
Bath, night-time milk, some menthol rub, and asleep within 5 minutes of laying down.

Then Mommie and I had a little talk (again).
Her: Do you want me stay home with her tomorrow?
Me: Well, I absolutely need to go to work, because I keep rescheduling this one thing that I have to get done.
Her: But I have an 8:30 appointment.
Me: Depends if she's feeling OK; I guess I could drop her off at my parents
Her: ....
Me: I really think you should spend some time with her.
Her: It's really no different than her going to daycare (meaning the same number of hours that DW and LG weren't spending together)
Me: Well, it really is different, becasue she spent the last 3 days almost exclusively with ME.
Her: ....
Her: Well, I guess you could drop her off and tell them to call ME if she needs to be picked up (due to her cough)
Me: Maybe you should try to get off early, so you can pick her up and spend some girl time together.
Her: She just has a different relationship with you than she does with me...I don't know why, but it's different.
Me: I know, but she'll be really happy to spend some alone time with you...

and with that, the teeth-brushing, etc. was completed and the conversation was over.

Oh and LG slept soundly through the night, just coughing a couple of times, and with a little decongestant, she was able to breathe wasy and cough-free for the next 3 hours. Going to daycare, Daddy's going to work, Mommie's going to work, then Daddy's gonna call Mommie at work and harass her to get off work early.

pt. 2

2008-12-15T11:58:00.000-08:00

Well, as it turns out, soon after the last post, LG picked up a cold that came with a 102 F fever. Consequently, she was stuck to her Mommie that night for comfort, which was an all-night affair, due to the congestion, coughing, fever-ish delirium, and general discomfort. Various OTC meds offered some relief, but the fever just needed it time. So DW spent the entire night with LG holding her, soothing her, sleeping with her on the floor - sharing the pillow- or letting LG have the middle of the pillow, until about 6AM (so I am told), when LG suddenly sat up, crawled into bed, and pulled the covers up to her neck.

Sunday morning was better, the fever broke, and we went out for lunch. Well, after we got back, the fever returned, but it was hovering around 101.4 F or so. (Is that an improvement?) So then last night, she started off to bed with me, but after a couple of rounds of coughing and trying to climb out her bed (falling into the bed with her face several times), she decided enough was enough. "Mooooommmmmmmmie!!!!!!"

So in went Mommie, who had already decided that her previous night of no sleep was not going to be repeated and I would sleep with LG. (As if it's determined by us, not LG). DW also decided that if LG was too sick for daycare on Monday, Stew would stay home because Stew gets sick time at work, whereas DW uses vacation time. Anyway, LG was comforted by Mommie for about an hour, then screamed out for Daddddiiiieeeee! So in I went. And spent the rest of night on the floor, but every 30 minutes or so LG would cry out for Mommie or Daddy, or her favorite stuffed animals (who were in the bed with her). And every 30 minutes, I would pop my head up and tell her, Mommie's sleeping, Daddy's here. Put your head down, it's OK, Daddy's here. And rest my hand on her back until she drifted off to sleep.

50 /50. Mommie, 1st of 2 nights; Daddy, 2nd of 2 nights.

Daddy, all of Monday with sick LG. If LG is still sick tomorrow, Daddy - all of Tuesday with LG.

This is what I'm talking about - for LG, it's not 50/50.

2008-12-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have had lots of topics to post about, but haven’t had much time. And as such, the topics have expressly left my little pea-brain. I’m home with LG today, she’s sporting a 102F fever and some head congestion with post-nasal drip and a cough. So I’m trying to keep here comfortable and entertained with crayons, choo-choo trains, and bananas (and now la-la).

I don’t think I’ve read any adoption blog posts about this topic of attachment, so I’m sticking my neck out there. Have any of you ‘pulled-away’ from your child to sort-of ‘force’ bonding onto the other parent? I do.

We started our bonding and attachment education and process during our wait. Our agency had a social worker present a class on the topic that we attended during our paperchase. There were many suggestions to help initiate the process for both parents. Truth be told, the wait was so long, that seemingly the class advice slipped from our minds.

During our wait, we heard tons of stories from well-intending family members and friends about other ‘family’ members’ and their friends’ experiences after coming home with an adopted child. The stories that we heard the most often were that the dad-child bonding was the worst. That the kid would scream and holler at the sight of the dad. That the dad couldn’t hold, or even touch, the child without an extreme meltdown. (And the mom-child bonding was suggested to be automatic and not-an-issue). So we tried to make an extra effort to do 50/50 everything when we were in China.

I posted about me being the ‘preferred one’ for the first few months home, then DW became the ‘preferred one’ when I got very busy at work. As a matter of fact, for the first few months home, we used to take turns putting her down at night, and giving the night-time milk, and reading the night-time story, but then one night, LG suddenly decided she only wanted mommie for going to bed. To the point of pushing me out of the room and closing the door on me, with an emphatic, “Nooooooooo, Daddddddddiiiiieeeee.... Mommie!”

But now DW has taken on additional work, and so she puts in even more hours at work than I do, so we're back to LG has a little more time with me than DW. I know we've been home for about 15 months now, and that LG is securely attached and bonded to us (as compared to others). So I'm kind of flashing back to the first coule of months home.

So lately, sometimes, LG really just wants me. I don’t know if it’s just the male attention thing, or if we just had a really great morning, of she’s already doing that mother-daughter thing, or what. But I feel like I’m hogging our daughter or even causing a rift between the 2 of them. So even on those long days when after work DW picks up LG from daycare, and goes home and cooks while I’m stuck at work, I continue to encourage the DW-LG quality time by making myself busy in the kitchen, taking out the garbage, or doing laundry; “forcing” my poor, tired DW to do the bath time, lotion, pajamas, toy clean-up, hair brushing, teeth-brushing, milk-time all by herself. Because I know that these items are still critical bonding-time activities. Anyone else do this? (Moms or dads)

TV Reality?

2008-11-24T12:21:00.000-08:00

DW is catching up on Grae’s Anat omy. I’m not sure what season, though. Last night we watched an episode where a woman brought a baby into the ER and the baby the baby had fallen down and was crying, but suddenly stopped. The Dr. took the baby and discovered that she was still breathing, but then all of a sudden the woman collapsed on the floor.

Apparently (I was doing something else and not watching), the woman had fallen down the stairs with the baby and broken some ribs herself and they (the ribs) punctured her heart and lungs, so she was in life-threatening danger. The baby had suffered a brain bruise or some brain swelling, but was generally OK. The dad was really not too interested in the baby or the status of the baby, rather he was really anxious about the surgery his wife was about to have and he said something like, “… we just adopted her last week and now I really need to be with my wife.”

The woman was all tubed-up and she was really concerned about the baby, one of the interns asked her if she wanted to see the baby, and the woman nodded yes. As the intern was wheeling the baby into the room, the woman crashed, and doctors were everywhere and the man told the intern to ‘get that baby out of here!’ I think the woman stabilized.

Then as the baby got better, and was cleared for discharge, the wife’s condition was worsening; she kept spring leaks in her lungs. And the dad (husband) basically said he couldn’t raise the baby girl if something happened to his wife, that the doctor should tell him who to talk to (to find another family for the girl), “I just don’t see myself when I look at her; she just looks like a baby, not a piece of me.” He wouldn’t hold her (the baby).

I told me wife, he really needs to stay with the baby, because if his wife goes, everything about the baby will remind him of her. He went to say that he just couldn't raise her without his wife, that he wasn't capable. The doctors were able to help him realize that although he thought he hadn’t bonded with the little girl, vs. the mother who ‘had an instant bond,’ he actually was aware of 5 things about her, that not just anyone knew. And so he became aware that he was, in fact, already forming bonds.

The mother died in surgery (I think), and the father named the baby with a name that the mother would have wanted.

I hoped I didn’t butcher the story too much….

Stew 'gets' a piece of Chinese culture

2008-11-12T02:23:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, there were some Chinese traditions we followed, and there were some we did not. My cousins used to do some of the traditions for the New Year (CNY), that we did not. Namely the 'clean BEFORE the New Year,' not during or after. This is to indicate a 'fresh start' for the New Year, for if your house is dirty on Chinese New Year, it symbolizes the entire year. We just did chores on our weekly basis, as usual, with no special effort put into the New Year. We did, however, have a family traditional New Year dinner that my Grandmother cooked. And it included 'Jai,' the vegetarian dish that looked (and tasted) yucky. Made of glass noodles, mushrooms, lotus roots, bean curd, and I don't know what else. Something authentically 'Chinese.'

We WERE schooled in traditional respect of elders. This is something that was never explicitly said, it was just things we were told to do. Like serving cake portions at someone's birthday. The kids passed out the cake to the adults. And got them drinks (I remember always fixing my favorite aunt's coffee, 1 sugar and a little milk). Heh, I didn't know it was for showing respect, I always thought it was because the adults were too tired (from work) or just lazy.

When I went to college, I started to associate with other Asian Americans. Like myself - meaning more American with a hint of Asian culture (vs. the hardcore AA who is more traditional, usually speaking their cultural language at home with parents). In particular, I recall often hanging out with these friends - Rocker, SoCal, Cool, Gangster, Skater, Country, and Loner. We often used to go to a nearby town for late night Chinese food. Four different cultural backgrounds, all Asian American.

We rarely all went together, mostly it was me with some of these folks, and then again later in the week with a couple more of them. Gangster was a few years older than the rest of us, and used to (usually jokingly) pull that 'tradition' crap on us... 'Hey dude, pour me some tea!' And we usually did. Since I was the 3rd oldest of all, I only poured the tea when it was just me and him. Rocker was actually older in age than me, but younger in academic year, and he always humbled himself before me (and in doing so, provided a great model to me about humility and respect of others). Cool probably did the most serving, not because she was female, but because she was the youngest (when Country wasn't there). But we usually got our cup of tea filled with an exclamation of 'Fucker!' for blankly looking at her when the tea cup was empty.

No one (of a culture other than Chinese) ever insisted that wasn't cool, or that it wasn't a tradition of their cultural background, or if they did ever try to protest, we must have brow-beat them into 'showing respect for the Chinese culture when eating in a Chinese restaurant. I don't know if it was because the other Asian cultures bear similar traditions, or were my friends just extremely familiar with Chinese culture. Rocker was an expert at Chinese martial arts, Country lived out in the country and the only Asian food to be had outside of his home was the Chinese restaurant, Cool dated a Chinese guy for many years, SoCal claimed 'honorary Chinese status' by practically living in our living room... so I don't know, maybe it was just college hazing of the young.

Slight diversion here to years later with my DW. DW has a more traditional upbringing than I, she was raised by her Grandma. As a young child, she spoke Chinese with her Grandma (I could never understand my Grandma). Anyway, with just the two of us, for meal times, we would often serve the other. This seemed more out of courtesy to the other, having nothing to do with Chinese culture. It seems like 'traditional' (Asian or not) often would have the woman serving the man. Or the Wife serving the Husband. But hey, we're American, and living in the 21st century, man. (plus, she's a total feminist - save that one for another post). She's also younger than me, but she doesn't buy that one. In her family, ALL of the cousins were scrambling around for the elders, but it was generational, there wasn't a pecking order amongst the cousins.

Anyway, back to DW and I serving each other. Somewhere back when I was a teen, I developed this personal ideal of trying to achieve ultimate efficiency. An example would be trying to decide EXACTLY how much mashed potatoes I would like and scooping a PERFECT heaping spoonful to dollop onto my plate. One shot. Bang! And so I would do this for DW, decide how much veggies she would want to eat, one scoop, and Bang! And rice, one large scoop, and Bang! That's a perfect amount of rice! But she always insisted I give her one more scoop, even if the first scoop was even MORE than she would have wanted. My eyes would pop out a little, 'What?!'

'Even just a little, teeny scoop, you must give me a second scoop," she would insist. 'You have to give 2 scoops; it's symbolic of 'always having enough.' Just give me a smaller first scoop, like half-a-scoop, then follow it up with another half-a-scoop.'

'You're kidding, right?' Totally breaks my goal of being efficient, which I personally think is an Asian trait or desirable trait to show my Asian-ness.

We been together for way over ten years now, and I've learned to just comply with her now unsaid request for most of those years, no protest. But for some reason, this last week, I really started to think about it. I don't know if it has to do with LG in our lives, like I WANT her to always have a full bowl of food (and a second available, if she's hungry for more). Or is it that it just took that long to immerse the concept into my brain? All I know is that I totally get the symbolism, I WANT to do that second scoop, to show via gesture that in all of the goodness of the first scoop, don't worry, here's more.

Stew gets interviewed by Wendy

2008-10-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

First of all, I thought it was only 1 question!!! No worries, all fair questions for a secret-blogger.

1) Where have you been?
MIA, I know. Lately I’ve been obsessed with current events. I love watching the weather channel, news channels, local news. Old fogey now for sure. On top of trying-to-be-the-best Dad to the best little girl (LG) in the whole wide world. LG is in potty-training right now, so it’s a little time consuming the way we’re doing it. We had our 1-year-home celebration , LG’s birthday party, other family celebrations and obligations, and I now do the daycare morning drop-off, so I don’t get the time to do “the Morning Stew.” And since I blog in secret, I don’t post at night!!

2) What made you decide to be a daddy-blogger in this world wide web full of mommy-bloggers?
We originally created a couple’s blog (is there actually such a thing?) during our wait, so as to keep family members and friends up-to-date on our progress. We started the blog after we after we were LID (November 2005). The blog had substance (information about the process – paperchase, DTC, LID, wait, wait some more, watch the numbers go down, longer times between referral batches, etc.), funnies (just goofy stuff we did to try to pass the time), shopping trips (to prepare for our baby), education – about adoption terminology, attachment process, etc. We took turns writing posts - about whatever was on our mind that day.

DW now maintains the family blog with LG updates, and now I secretly blog (Stew) about stuff I can’t put on the family blog. I think sharing some of my experiences and thoughts can help other adoptive parents or people close to adoptive parents. Especially if the the children are Asian. So I share. I don’t know if I have many readers, but I think putting by it out there, then at least the information can be shared / discussed.

3) What is the best advice you can give to a first time dad waiting to adopt from China?
Gee, this is a tough one. I’ve never been asked to give advice before. I think participating in your wife’s blog (since it’s mostly mommy-bloggers) is going to really help bring your two together during the wait. If you’re anything like us, she did most of the paper-chase and kept the timeline as short as possible, by making the Dr. appts., homestudy visits, CIS fingerprinting appts., etc. The clothes shopping, nursery accessories, etc., again – all her. RQ – and the CCAA updates – again , her. The blog – her.

BUT… if you a) read the blog, and b) tell her you’d like to make a guest post about something – that will really bring you two together during this patience-trying, stress-inducing time called ‘the wait.’ You think the 9-month (pregnancy) wait is tough (I don’t know because I’ve never done that wait)? Try the 8-9 month adoption wait that turned into a 20+ month wait. People you’ve seen get married, and have 1 or 2 kids, in the time you’ve been waiting?! And the questions about your adoption… are you sure you did all the paperwork right? …I know someone who’s adopting….. or … I know someone who adopted, and they didn’t wait THIS long… Sorry to say it, but NO ONE understands what you’re both going through except the rest of us! And so I blog.

4) How has becoming a father changed you as person?
Sounds corny, but becoming a father has Saved My Life. Nothing is more important (more on this below). Daily, I take time to live in the moment with LG. She is so (almost unbelievably) precious, we are constantly in awe over how we came together as a family. No words can describe this feeling. I couldn’t imagine it ANY other way. Sometimes I am late to work (I drop LG off at daycare in the morning), but it means nothing compared to the dancing to the Wiggles, or watching Choo-Choo (commuter train passing by) on the way to daycare, taking pictures of her eating oatmeal, or putting her hair in pony-tails. This is time I won’t ever get back. So I take it now. No apologies.

I am a Believer now. I’ve seen God at work. I listen to Him and look to his lessons for guidance during my time here on earth.

Probably some other ways I’ve changed too, but they seem like pretty small changes compared to those above.

What do I call this one?

2008-10-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

I will answer Wendy’s questions later.

Let me briefly post a topic that came up for us recently. (I tried writing this a few days ago, but it got mysteriously deleted) I went to a family reunion, and saw my sister and her daughters (who live out-of-state). We took a huge picture of all of the cousins (actually, many pictures were snapped at the same time). But as we were sitting there posing for the pictures, it actually took a few minutes due to the logistics of everone’s camera and look-over-here, so-and-so isn’t smiling, say cheese, etc. I heard someone in the back say something in a fake Chinese accent – to try to be funny for the last couple of pictures. It was pretty off-color, I won’t repeat it.

However, later on when I was discussing it with my cousin’s husband (who is non-Chinese, but bi-racial), he brought up that he heard a different comment, the Ch!nk word.

Me: What?! (because I didn’t hear it).
Him: Yeah, someone in your family said it.
Me: who?
Someone else across the table: Insert name (niece-who's Dad is non-Chinese)
Me: What?!
Person across the table: yeah, she calls herself half-Ch!nk.
DW (my wife): (Insert name), don’t say that. That is REALLY offensive. You should NOT say that. EVER.
Everyone in room: quiet
Niece sulks away

Now I don’t know if the population of the majority-White state she lives in often refers to Chinese people as Ch!nks or is it a measure of her uncomfortableness in her skin, or her beginnings, or is it because she’s 14. Her mom (my sister) wasn’t there at the time, so I don’t know what she would have said or what she has told her in the past. Maybe that’s OK language in their home, I don’t know. I wonder if my niece knows about our long history in the United States, building railroads, facing discrimination, etc. Does she now live under White Priveledge?

Forum topics

2008-09-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

Here are 3 topics I'd like to address from the Adopting from China forum (not the real name) I lurk.

1. Chinese earwax
2. What do you call grandparents in Chinese
3. Discipline in China

1. Chinese earwax – how do you remove it. First of all, yup, we have it. And it is mostly dry flakey, chunks. People on the board have been describing their success with using oil, or drops to help soften it. Mostly everyone (non-asian) recommends NEVER sticking anything in the ear canal to attempt removal. One person (Chinese, I think) describes the use of the “ear stick” that his (her?) mother used on them.

This is how we grew up, my mother would sit on the couch, with a pillow on her lap, and we would take turns laying our heads in her lap. She would carelly use our “ear cleaner” which is a very small metal spoon, curved at a slight angle, with a long (about 3-4 inches) handle. I think the method used is to gently ‘pick’ at or lift the edge, or scrape the flakes and lift them out. (I’ve never done this to another person’s ear).

When you get old enough, you can do it to your own ears (although, since I left home, I never obtained one for myself). For LG, we have done neither method – her ears are CLEAN!

2. Grandparents in Chinese – our families speak Cantonese and nearby village dialects – so this is how we do it our (DW and mine) families

Father’s father – yeh-yeh
Father’s mother – ngin-ngin
Mother’s father – gung-gung (sounds kind of like goong-goong)
Mother’s mother – po-po (sounds kind of like paw-paw)

3. Discipline in China – generally speaking, I think in china and in Chinese culture, hitting is OK (meaning allowed culturally). When I was a kid, the mean of discipline was either 1) your “da-da stick” (which I think da-da means “to hit”) – which was a feather duster, or a yard stick and you were told to go get your ‘da-da stick’ for the administration of your punishment – kind of like – “go out and cut yourself a switch,” or 2) a belt, or 3) an open hand.

I do remember seeing other kids (Chinese) at the playground with their Grandmas (ngin-ngin or po-po) who were led off of the playground by the ear. I also know that some Chinese families do a very firm pinching grasp of the arm or back of the neck.

We tried a ‘time-out” with LG (who just turned 2) by having her stay in the corner away from the toys and activities, but she thought it was a game and kept leaving the corner. So other means we have done is to remove the toy or itme from her and place it high on the mantle so she can see the ‘wanted’ item is not accessible to her when she is throwing it our otherwise misbehaving. However, this “punishment” doesn’t math the “crime” so it is difficult to use for other unacceptable behaviors – i.e. hitting, standing up on the couch, spitting, etc. We’re still working on it, and I think we both agree that we’re not implementing the ‘da-da stick.’ Yet. (We're hoping the non-physical methods will work).

1 year

2008-09-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well it’s time to reflect on our 1year anniversary (which we celebrated last week). DW and I took the day off of work, and we had a leisure breakfast as a family, went to the photography studio to take a family portrait 1 year after our first (which was at the Civil Affaris office in Guangzhou, China). During the preview of the pictures, LG had a little stomach-ache, and proceeded to have diarrhea right there in the photo studio. So I hastily chose some pictures while DW cleaned up LG in the bathroom. We went home, had some lunch, LG took a nap for 3 hours (I guess she wasn’t feeling well), woke up with more diarrhea, and that killed our entire afternoon. No visit to the zoo, no swimming in the pool. Just us 3 hanging as a family, through sickness and health, just like 1 year ago at the White Swan, where the first night, LG slept between us on the rock hard mattress, and proceeded to have a blasted-poopy diaper in the middle of the night, with her butt planted VERY close to my head. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It’s been a wonderful year, and a quick one, too. My, does time fly. She’s almost 2 now, talking a little bit, in a toddler bed now, can take off her clothes and shoes by herself, starting potty training, eats with spoon and fork, and wears 24 months clothes (where a year ago, she was wearing 6 month clothes!). Happy 1 year, Baby. Daddy loves you.

Now I need to get back to backing up your video tapes from 1 year ago!

Shame on NBC's Today Show

2008-08-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

I am disgusted by a major media displaying the use of the RickShaw font. We all already know that 08_08_08 is special for Chinese (because you are telling us verbally at the same time this is being blasted as an image). We don't need the numbers to 'look more Chinese' by using the red color and slivery font.

You are just a 1/2 step away from having cartoony images little Chinamen in bamboo hats running rickshaws around the date so proudly displayed in the center of the screen.

I can understand the use of Chinese music to lead into certain stories of China's landscape and culture, but truthfully, a rickshaw font of English numbers is not "Chinese."

No comment on the 'chinese' dress.

weirdest conversation yet

2008-08-06T01:05:00.000-07:00

So I had the weirdest conversation yesterday. I was dropping of the LG to my parents for a short visit on my way to work, when I realized I had forgotten to pack some milk for an afternoon snack. So I dropped by a quickie-mart to pick some up. I was really perplexed, because they only had Fat-free and 2% lowfat. I guess there isn't a big demand for whole milk at this little neighborhood store.

Anyway, I was a little flustered because I was already going into work late, and I just wanted to get the milk, drop her off, then head into work. There 2 guys paying for stuff with the cashier, but they are totally going over the bill, so it's taking a little while. And there's another guy waiting. So he sees me with the LG in my arms and a quart of milk, and so he kindly says, "oh, go ahead, I'm just buying vitamins."

Me: "Thanks!"

Him: "Is she yours?"

Me: mentally scratching head - as I have heard (read on blogs and adoption boards) these types of conversations often happen in line at the grocery store - "uh, yeah."

Him: "She's cute."

Me: "uh, thanks."

Him: "she's pointing at something outside."

Me: "uh, yeah, she does that sometimes."

We quickly pay, then leave.

The first time ever I've had an "is she yours" conversation. People who know she's adopted totally say she 'passes' for bio.

How to grow apart from your friends

2008-07-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

1) get married years after they do

- its hard to relate to the married life...and hard for them to relate to the single life.

2) get married years after they have their first kid.

- it's hard to relate to the diaper-changing crowd...and hard to relate to staying up past 9.

3) have no kids, even after they have their second kid

- it's hard to relate to the mini-van driving crowd...still hard to relate to staying up past 9.

4) become a family with a 1-2 yr. old kid when your friends kids are 6-7 yrs. old.

-it's hard to relate to baseball and gymnastics...and hard to remember the days of the w!ggle$.

Ouch.

2008-06-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

I copied part of a posting from angryasianman, the rest of it is there.

but here's the excerpt:
Now that we're looking at the serious possibility that John McCain could be elected President, I think it's important that people are continually reminded of his past use of the racial slur "gook," as in "I hate the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live." He said this eight years ago on the campaign trail, referring to the the prison guards who tortured and held him captive during the Vietnam War: McCain Criticized for Slur.The fact that someone running for public office—the President of the United States, no less—would unabashedly use this term, and then repeatedly refuse to apologize for it (he eventually did), is reasons enough for me to question his character. We as Asian Americans are no strangers to racial epithets being thrown our way, whether they're meant as "jokes" or meant to cause harm. Here, "gook" was clearly being used as expression of resentment. The fact that McCain was a P.O.W. does not excuse him from harboring these feelings. Why is this even under debate?

Shame on you, S F Gate

2008-06-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

the story of the S F Giant s loss to the D e t r oi t T i g e r s

was coverpage titled Bar ry Zi to, Tig er Meat

poor journalism. is that what you call a 'sensational headline?'

Thoughts about Father's Day

2008-06-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

There was some emails going around my family about Father's Day. And that we should celebrate with a BBQ, for it was my 'First Father's Day.' for some reason, I was uncomfortable with it. Why was I uncomfortable? I think I was uncomfortable with the attention, but not that I am a father now. I love being a father, I just didn't want the 'sympathy treatment.' Weird, huh? I know many of the adoptive Mothers were all over the attention and well-wishing. Maybe I don't want to steal any thunder from DW. Maybe other A-dads felt the same as me?

So anyway, I agreed to a BBQ on Saturday, choosing to spend Sunday with our nuclear-3 family. And it was a fantastic time! A couple of cards, some small gifts, and a great time playing with all of the kids!

DeBunking the Myth

2008-05-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's something that I've been meaning to get off my chest. I am sick of everyone telling me that 'Daddy' is easier said than 'Mommy.' I am calling the BS-card on that one. And the reasons are:

(first of all, let me tell you that I really don't care from a personal standpoint if my LG said Mommy before she said Daddy. And second of all, I would rather that she said Mommy first, from an emotional standpoint for DW)

(And for the record, Mom, (now Mommm-ah!) is the first name she spit out.)

1) only women tell you that a child will say da-da first.

2) the women say that it is easier for a kid to say (how does anyone know, any of you remember what was easier to say?)

Among the first words for LG was 'mum-mum' (baby talk for food).

My theory: kids learn words that sound similar. So after mum-mum comes mom-mom (or mama or just mom).

story: As we spent 2 weeks together virtually 24/7 as a new family in China, LG was accustomed to both of us being there for her. When we got back to States, DW went back to work a few days later, and I was on family leave. I was with LG pretty solidly for about 3 months, while DW was at work. LG would look around for DW, and I would say, Mommy is at work now. We'll go see Mommy during her lunch break. OK, we're going to Mommy's now. There's Mommy's office... Do you see Mommy? Oh! There's Mommy!! or Mommy is coming home soon. (Show pictures), do you see Mommy? There's mommy! Mommy holding LG. Mommy feeding LG. etc.

so it is more natural that LG would have heard the word/name Mommy more than daddy, since I was taking care of her for more hours of the day.

And the same goes for a situation where the Mama is with the kids while the dad is at work. The conversation probably - Daddy's at work now. Daddy will be home for dinner. let's call Daddy. Those are daddy's socks (on the floor). Daddy's home! give daddy a kiss! give daddy a hug! etc. so the kids hear daddy more often and practice forming the same sounds, since that's what the mommy has been doing.

Doesn't hurt my feelings at all, I am warmed when LG calls out for MaMa! but after a few weeks of Momm-ah!, LG has a name for me. I am simply mom. We're working it....

He Lifts Us Up in His Arms

2008-05-25T05:48:00.000-07:00

The Chapman family tragedy reminds us to cherish the moments. And yet, find comfort in His arms.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

Forget all the B.S. out there - You're a Mom, and today's about you.

Happy Mother's Day.

Chinese Family Traditions for a Progressive

2008-04-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

The Chinese have a family tradition of the Red Egg and Ginger Party for new babies. There is a lot written about the REG and the significance/requirements. I may be somewhat inaccurate in what I state here about the parties, but I think the details are only necessary as adjunct to my point. Feel free to add comment to any differences you may have been told.

Traditionally (in the old days of China), some babies did not live past 1 month after being born. If a baby lived past 1 month, a party was held to celebrate the life of that baby. The new mother and baby were kept in seclusion, to ward off illness (and presumably evil spirits from taking the baby) and for the new mother to heal. The new mother ate eggs and ginger to help recuperate (Ginger has many medicinal qualities). Eggs also symbolize fertility. And Red, well, red is good luck in Chinese tradition. So there you have it in a summary; traditionally, 1 month after the baby is born, a party with red eggs and ginger takes place.

In the U.S., the Red Egg and Ginger party usually occurs about 3 months after the baby is born. And this is primarily due to the inability to reserve a venue, plan a party, and send out invitations within 1 month. So there you have it, Chinese American tradition is 3 months after the baby is born, REG party.

For Chinese adoptive parents (or should I say, adoptive parents of Chinese kids?)*, I have seen some suggestions (maybe FCC or from an adoption ageny website?) for including and incorporating Chinese culture in the family, 100 day celebration or REG. (I think the U.S. 3 month REG is sort of a combination of 100-day and traditional REG?)

Well, for us, we certainly weren’t going to have a REG 1 month after coming home (it would be too many people too soon for LG, we’re still forming OUR bonding and attachment). And we weren’t going to do a 3-month or 100-days after coming home, since the road to successful bonding and attachment was still TBD. And the fact that 3 months or 100-days would have put us into the Christmas/ New Years time, which is virtually impossible to try to reserve a place or restaurant or catering for.

And LG is older than 1-month, 3-months, and 100-days. So what to do? 7 months after coming home, we’re celebrating. The great debate is whether or not to have Red Eggs and Ginger. Some say, since LG isn’t a baby anymore, there’s no need for REG, just have a party, with no REG. Others are saying REG isn’t ‘appropriate’ – I am assuming because LG wasn’t birthed by DW. I think the word ‘appropriate’ is just a poor choice of words. I think REG IS appropriate, because while the egg symbolizes fertility, is also symbolizes ‘new life’ and LG is just that for our family. New Life.

* added edit: adoptive parents of Chinese kids

An adoption story

2008-04-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

It goes something like this:

A wealthy man in China had a son, whom he wanted to have a brother. He ‘adopted’ a boy (presumably from a poor family) and raised him as his son. Traditionally, it’s been said that in China, the oldest son is the Number 1 child. This was the case for the new addition to the family. He was given a new name. He was older than the bio kid. I am told he was raised as Number 1, in spite of ‘not being blood-related.’

I am a descendant of that family. The boy was my grandfather.

Pro

2008-04-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm pro. In regards to posts by johnny and Am-fam. In some ways, I wonder if I am Anti-bio? I guess I would say, I hope not, as I might someday be a bio-parent. We'll cross that bridge when/if we get there. But I'm pro. And our I600 IS officially in the system - we'll still need to complete a homestudy before we can get a fingerprint appointment, but we have until 2009 to do that!

Japanese food for dinner last night.

Updates (no food)

2008-04-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

I think we made it. (I600A deadline). Overnight delivery was confirmed on Monday morning. Check for the application with fingerprinting fee cleared the bank, so I guess the app. is in the system!

Meanwhile, I was looking at a sight that lists adopting from China blogs, some are Waiting for Referral, others are Waiting for TA, some are In China Now, others are Home with Child.

Most of them are titled something like Red Thread something-or-other, or Journey to (Insert Name), or (Insert Family surname) Adoption. I still bristle at the ones which are decidedly offensive to Asians or Chinese. Like 4kids and a China Girl. Or Fortune Cookie Fantasies. Or Journey to Our Slit-eyed Sub-servient girl. Or Dim Sum and Potatoes. Rickshaws and Ricebowls. Eggrolls and (insert word). Chopsticks Are Fun.

Slightly different than Red Thread Jounrey, or Our Wait for Mei-mei. Or Waiting for Meili. (which are totally OK with me) How so? It’s the Objectification of a culture or of a child. Would I title my blog, Adoption and BBQ Chicken, or Journey to a Bigot Baby, or Child-laborer Makes 3, or Absolut Baby? No Way.

I know, it’s difficult to come up with a unique and ‘catchy’ name for your blog. And the Paerchase and Wait are emotionally tough, so you get into some wacky moods when ‘relieving stress via blogging.’ But it’s really important to try to be aware.

Please blog about this for other soon-to-be-adopting families. Consider yourself tagged.

I600A

2008-03-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Spoke with Agency. I-600A was completed Friday. And overnighted to CIS.

Menu items:

Wed:
L: ??
D: CreamofMushroom chicken

Thurs:
L: Tri-tip sandwich
D: Pork curry ramen, Agedashi tofu

Fri:
L: ??
D: leftover CreamofMushroom Chicken

Sat:
L: Beef CupoNoodles
D: Lumpia, teriyaki chicken, mini cheesecakes

Sun:
B: mini-cheesecake
L: leftover teriyaki chicken, lumpia, cold sesame noodle
D: Lamb chops, broccoli, mashed potatoes

Get A Life

2008-03-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have a relative who has a soft spot in her heart for animals. Especially rescue animals. She has had animals for as long as I’ve known her, all from the shelter. She also seems to have taken a special interest in our dear LG. To the extent that I heard she has gone shopping for LG (whereas she had not done so for the other kids in the family – but I don’t believe this last part).

Another relative, upon hearing of this shopping interest, sort of made a comment to the extent of that she (the soft-hearted one) needed to get her own life. And it was bothersome to me, because maybe that IS her life. That is, having a soft spot in one’s heart for the innocents (abandoned, abused, or neglected) is not a bad thing to have. It’s called feelings.

Get a Life.

BTW, this food menu thing is a total drag to keep track of. So far, I’ve identified that I live on a) coffee, b) Asian food, and c) leftovers

Sunday Dinner: fried chicken, mac salad, cookies
Mon
B: coffee, almond croissant
L: leftover something or other
D: Chinese: fish claypot, cashew chicken, rice

Tues:
B: coffee, thin mint cookies
L: Tai Nam Gan (Vietnamese pho) and Cafe Sua Da (Vietnamese Iced coffee)
D: clam linguine (planned)

Food week 3

2008-03-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Mon

B: coffee

L: Duck fried rice

D: chicken/mozzarella ravioli with steamed broccoli

Tues

B: Coffee

L: Fried egg and ham sandwich with gruyere cheese

D: Corned beef, cabbage, potatos, rice

Wed

B: coffee

L: 2 crisyp tacos, chicken sandwich

D: black bean sauce fish over rice/ tomato beef chow mein

Thurs:

B: coffee

L: combination pizza, 2 slices, chocolate chip cookie. mountain dew

D: General Tso's chicken, zucchini, rice

Fri

B: almond croissant, coffee

L: veggie pizza, leftover Tomato Beef Chow mein

D: leftover corned beef, cabbage, and rice

Sat:

B: granola

L: Banana bread

D: chicken enchilda, chicken tostada, rice, beans, guacamole, chips

Sun:

B: granola, yogurt, coffee

L: chili rice

D: TBD

What did you do during The Wait? (Long)

2008-03-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

So I was reading a new family's blog updates while in China, and bestowing a bit of advice about the new bedtime ritual. And as many new parents do, as we did, and other new A-parents do, they held her, rocked her, walked with her, talked softly to her, while she screamed bloody murder. Arms and backs aching, the post generated some interest and I felt complied to respond. Because we had the SAME experience. I was somewhat more successful with getting our LG to calm down and start self-soothing that DW was. I used a "hippy-dippy" energetic technique, after a short "holding" (somewhat firm, which resulted a physical struggle and some amount of elevated stress, until LG was not-so-subtly coerced into resignation) which helped then helped her 'get the idea' that I was there to help her get calm and provide comfort for her. DW tried the 'hold firm' technique with a squirmy, frothy, spitting, crying bundle of 'joy,' which resulted in two very upset females in our family. Henceforth, I did the 'putting-down' at night during the rest of our trip in China. We were already focused on splitting the bonding time, with a slight edge towards me, since DW had feared the LG would not have anything to do with me (as sometimes happens to the new Dads).

Anyway, I digress. We winged it. The whole time. And when we got back, too. But know that our strategy was changing daily, if not by the hour. Mostly it was about tuning into LGs needs versus what strategies we read about, were told about (by other A-parents, other parents, our parents, the SW, the adoption agency), and thoguht we had a handle about. We went to a Social Worker class about forming bonds and attachment. We read some blogs. We talked to other A-parents, already home. We talked with other parents (with bio kids). DW read a little of Choo (you know what I mean). I didn't. We were anxious and had no idea of the little child to enter our lives, who would she be, how would she be, etc. So the day we left for our trip, DW dug out a handout from our Social Worker talk to bring with us to read (since it had been over 2 years since we went to that class). We read it the day before our Gotcha day. I remember reading it 2 years ago, and much of it was already ingrained as strategies for me. DW was somewhat overwhelmed, as it seemed like new info for her.

Anyway, we tried some of the strategies with LG. We used a babycarrier that was face-to-face. We carried her almost all the time, except in the room, we let her play on the bed or floor, she sat in a high chair during meals, she hated the crib and let her eyes well up with big ol' tears (trickster), so we let her sleep in the bed with us. A big no-no in our families, but we re-iterated (to ourselves) that is helps bonding by giving the continual touch and smells and sounds and heartbeat/breathing rate that she will come to know - as prescribed by the bonding handout (a photocopy of a a book). But the book also said to give milk face-to-face to force eye contact - she wasn't interested in eye contact during her 'mommy' (milk bottle). We tried holding her and rocking her; think a child who has never been rocked to sleep with just FALL ASLEEP (in a 'stranger's arms?! nope. So we got creative, and eventually found a way that worked (for a bit, you see, because as she grows older, she changes, and her needs change, and so should we) for awhile. That is, to let her try to go down the way they used to do it at the orphanage, give her a bottle of warm milk in the crib, and let her 'mommy' (milk bottle) put her down. The sucking and warmth and full belly was soothing and worked like a charm. And was WAY less stressful to LG. We worked on more bonding activities during the waking hours. And so we put her down like this for months. And we still do for nap-time. But for bed time, we've recently switched to holding her in a rocker with a milk sippy, let her drink, then rock her a bit with some lullabies in the background until she starts to doze.

So anyway, I dropped a little comment to this new mom that the approach they were using (I'm sure it was a recommended approach, especially for bonding) might actually be putting MORE stress on their little girl, than was necessary. Based on my own personal experience. Others piped in with some other tips as well. And so she tried something new, which seemed to be better for all. I'm sure it helped having a few days under their belts as a family, also. But then I got to thinking. I had popped in on her blog before China, during The Wait. And I know the adoption was on her mind. And I know that she read other blogs. And I know that we did the same thing. And yet, we both tried the same approach with the putting-down-to-sleep. With eventual, but highly stressful, success. And a couple of us commenting noticed we were re-living our experience through her blog. And others (Waiting Others) are living vicariously until their turn.

So I got to wondering, what were WE doing during our wait. Were we reading the right stuff to get us prepared? Should we have read the 'other' handout, the one that said follow the orphanage schedule? Would that have mattered? We did receive an orphanage schedule, but it was in Chinese. Our guide could have translated it, but it had the times and volume in mL, so I figured 4 of the 5 times were for formula and the mid afternoon time (12:00-2:00) was for a nap. The schedule didn't mean anything in the moment, because that was what they GAVE her (and the rest of the kids in the room). That didn't mean that she was full with the 150mL at 10:00AM or that she 'fell right asleep' at 8:00PM. This was the schedule and volumes that ALL of the kids got (I assume). And with the formula at the orphanage, which was NOT the formula we brought from home. Mixed with my own amounts of rice cereal added, based on what I read on the rumor board forum. Because based on what I experienced, none of it was at all accurate for LG at the age we were brought together. Then again, she may have been in a 'survival' mode, that as long as she cried for milk, and it was brought, she quickly learned that her cries could (and would) be met.

So did any other A-parents read THIS little 'tip' anywhere? That is, maybe just let the kids go down with the bottle, the 'mommy,' despite what the American Ped. or the ped. dentists recommend? Since it has been their 'mommy' for months, and everything else familiar to them has been ripped away (in the most primal sense, they don't know who the heck we are or what plans we have for them), never to be seen, heard, smelled, or touched again? That this will actually ease and support their transition into our willing and ready arms? Rather than have some stranger holding them close, jamming our faces in theirs, pressing our lips to their faces, lips, hands, feet; things that probably have never happened to them before (Chinese show their affection to children differently, not this way). This should be written somewhere for all PAPs who are Waiting.

I'm not complaining, as I'm glad to have gotten there period. But I wish that THIS, I had read somewhere. During our Wait. So that brings me to the title - the question is for me, what the heck did you do during The Wait?

food summary week2

2008-03-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

Monday

Breakfast: Twix, coffee
Lunch: (Indian) Curry Chicken with Naan, coffee
Dinner: braised chicken thigh, string beans, jasmine rice

Tuesday

B: almond croissant, banana, coffee

L: leftover Chinese Beef Stew, rice

D: Chicken gin mein (crispy noodles, HK style), gai lan with oyster sauce

Wednesday:

B: 2 fig newmans, coffee

L: 2 crispy tacos and a chicken sandwich

D: ground beef stew, jasmine rice

Thursday

B: Almond croissant, coffee

L: leftover ground beef stew

D: beef and sausage lasagna

Friday

B: Banana cake, coffee

L: No lunch - had to work straight through

D: leftover ground beef stew

Saturday

B: granola yogurt

L: leftover chicken gin mein

D: baked chicken, corn, rice, ice cream

Sunday

B: granola/yogurt and a donut

L: curry chicken catsu

D: Thai basil chicken, yao choy, jasmine rice, ice cream

little Carbon footprints

2008-03-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Standing around work yesterday, talking about cars. I happen to love cars and driving. One co-worker, who likes to promote being Green (drives a Prius, often rides a bicycles to work, is into re-use and recycling) and is expecting child #2, made a suggestion that I get rid of a car. Implying that by having that vehicle, I am making a huge carbon footprint and ultimately causing the destruction of the world.

To which I wanted to reply, "if you're so green, stop adding to the population of the world. Your 2 additional sets of footprints on this world will contribute more overall pollution and consumption than the part-time use of a 2nd vehicle."

Hmmm, who is standing on a taller soapbox?

BTW, I am going to do the food menu items on a weekly basis now. This week is in draft until I complete Sunday's dinner.

Monday

2008-03-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: Twix, coffee

Lunch: (Indian) Curry Chicken with Naan, coffee

Dinner: braised chicken thigh, string beans, jasmine rice

About adoption... is it for the parents or for the child?

I think it's for both. A win-win. We feel bad for the birth parents - a loss for them. LG is such a joy (99.99999% of the time*), someone is missing out. But it wasn't my choice, it's life. And life is good.

* the other 0.00001% of the time, I think it's been something we've done, like skip a Milk or a Nap or something!

Tense. It's tense over here. DW is stressed about work. If it's so shitty - then quit already.

sunday

2008-03-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: leftover Chinese chicken/tofu with rice (it was supposed to be LG's breakfast, but she decided to pass and opt for Cream of Wheat with bananas instead), coffee

Lunch - Rotissierie chicken made into chicken salad by DW on Pugliese bread

Dinner - Delicious fish and steak tacos; beer

What's in a National identity

2008-03-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was reading over at Changes about democracy and our democracy vs. China's democracy. And I left a comment about how China considers itself a democracy. A one-party democracy. Consisting of the Communist Party. And Tim responded. And much of it was over my head, I admit. I am not much of a politics person. And very much not much of an international politics person, either.

Our trip six months ago to China for our LG was admittedly, my first trip outside of the United States, if you don't count the one day in Victoria, BC. So my comments about China are as ignorant as many other Americans. I always thought China was a 'Communist' country, akin to the Cold War. And I was told lots of things about China by my DW's family, who had been 'back' to China several times. In my own family, no one on my Mom's side (4 generations American) had ever been back to China. On my Dad's side (1 generation American) only my Grandmother had gone back (after 30 years living in the US and naturalized citizen) and 1 aunt, who went for work purposes in the 70s and she went to Beijing and learned some Mandarin).

Sidenote, as a Chinese-American visitor to China, there are several things to be aware of:

1) pickpockets

2) passport/identity theft

meaning if your passport/identity is stolen, it may be more difficult to 'prove' to authorities that you actually ARE american, and thus can 'leave' China

3) judgement for not speaking the language etc.

Back to the 'Communist' China. I did think it was a totally 1 government, total control. Although I was aware of the capitalization that has been infiltrating China, I wasn't sure how much and I thought that it was perhaps only in the major cities like Hong Kong, Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou. And still I was perplexed as to how someone would get a job at St@buck's Shamien Island (if the entire country was government controlled). And why some children in the SWIs are there because the birth families might not be able to afford the medical attention the child needed (if the government was controlling all).

So it is without a doubt much more complex, and yet much more simple, than I ever gave much thought. I do find it to be much more interesting, now that my family has grown due to the cultural and political policies of China. But up until recently, China has not had much interest to me (or even the generations before me), because we have always felt that we were American. Not 'from China.' Well, actually, it's the truth. We are. American. We are. Not from China.

to be continued...

Food Log

2008-03-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

I'm going to do a daily food log; after Chinese New Year and the amount of Chinese Food consumed, I was wondering how much Chinese food we do we actually eat, and what kind. So I'm going to keep a log, just to see what patterns emerge, i.e. what do I eat at work, how much junk food, etc.

Friday:

Breakfast: Coffee

Lunch: Fried Egg and Ham sandwich with pesto and Gruyere cheese, coffee

Dinner: Big Mac, french fries, Coke

Saturday:

Breakfast : Coffee, Cream of Wheat

Lunch: Chicken burrito

Dinner (planned): Rotisserie Chicken and Rice

Car Blending

2008-03-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

So I’m driving to work this morning in my Honda-made car with 239,233 miles and I’m thinking about the cars we drive.

More specifically, the Honda/Acura cars that many AsianAmericans drive*. All ages, Chinese, Japanese, teens, DINKs, Moms, Dads, Grandaparents. Civic, Accord, Prelude, CRV, Pilot, MDX, integra, TL, RSX, TSX, Odyssey. Champagne, Grey, or silver color. (* and of course the Toyota counterparts, Camry, Corolla, Sienna, RAV4, 4runner)

Good vehicles. Last forever, smooth, comfortable fit, conservative.

What? Conservative. Basically matching the ‘Asian” stereotype. Quiet, unassuming. Nothing too loud or attention-grabbing. Not a lot of us drive Corvettes, or Camaros, or Dodge Ram Cummins Diesel. Sure, there’s a few who drive WRX or eclipse Turbo, or BMW, but genereally, we like to just sort of ‘blend.’

Hairstyles: usually the straight hair, parted on the side. Sure there’s some who do the Spiky Hair Gel look, or the occasional coloring.

Clothing Attire: men- button down shirts, and Khaki pants. Or Black. Basic black. Looks good with Asian skin and hair color.

Music- nothing too loud or obnoxious.

I imagine in Asia, where there are A LOT of people, the masses of people, whether in an open shopping area, or a business district, everyone just sort of ‘blends in’. So why wouldn’t we blend-in (in our cars)?

Six months

2008-03-04T02:06:00.000-08:00

6 months since we've been back from China. It's been a crazy time. Time of my life. And yet, here I am, on the couch at 2AM and I can't sleep. I feel a little overwhelmed, as if I'm just not doing enough. LG is so sweet, and I think pretty easy-going, as kids go, but then again, I don't have any comparison.

I was able to spend some time with her when we came home, whilst DW went back to work almost immediately. I was the primary for a few weeks, and then DW cut back on work, so since I've gone back to work, DW has been the primary, and then LG started day care. She's used to daycare now. I was picking her up every day, but the last few weeks of work have been extremely busy and I haven't been able to leave on-time to pick her up. So I think it's added a little strain on our relationship, or maybe I'm just having first-time parent guilt? But it's been really great for DW/LG bonding - they are so mother-daughter, it's fantastic to see.

We purposely didn't do the Primary bonding, but maybe made some extra effort for LG to bond with me, since she might have been afraid of a male, since all of the SWI workers were women. But we both fed her, bathed her, held her, changed her, dressed her, groomed her, held her, as 'evenly' as possible. We take turns putting her down, and I do most of the evening activities (bath, etc.) since DW does all of the morning activities, since I leave for work before LG wakes.

Or maybe I've just been comparing our dynamics to other families? Dunno.

I do know that there's been some major stress for me as a Dad. I'm afraid to be my Dad. And I know there's been some exhibition of some of the character traits lately. I know it's so super-common, the fear of becoming (and eventually becoming) our parents. It's just that I've seen the relationship my Dad has with his daughter and I'm hoping to foster a better and more supportive, less-critical, more empowering and esteem-building, loving relationship with LG. And I know the relationship I have with my Dad and hope to be a 'better' Dad than he was to me. It's tough, I mean, he didn't have a father-figure in his life as a teen, or as a new parent, so there wasn't any role model for him to model himself after. And it's tough for me, because I see how other Dads are, and yet I only know how my Dad was. LG, hang in there with me, I promise to make a better effort... (and thankfully, DW is there to sometimes remind me of such a crappy job I'm doing - of trying to not be like him).

LG is growing. Like almost in the size clothes for her age now. She was about 6 months behind. She can reach for things on the table, and almost open the door. She's running and almost ready for jumping. She climbs everything. She feeds herself most of the time, six months ago, she had never had anything by spoon before. Her hair is mostly even now, it was longer on 1 side than the other, I was trimming it every week during Saturday morning videos (I made a promise to stop trimming it 3 weeks ago), and so now it's not patchy-looking and barely long enough for some small ponytails. (which I can't put in, those hair bands are so small)

I haven't started re-reading ChinaGhosts yet.

I don't care about the silk outfits anymore.

I don't care about the ponytails anymore.

The rickshaw font still bothers me a little bit.

But mostly I am glad the kids are being raised in loving homes. And I read blogs out there, and I'm just amazed at the whole thing. That we can do this. That we do do this. And that they (the kiddos) do this. With us. We should be so honored.

Traditional Silk Dress

2008-02-27T05:43:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been seeing alot of kids wearing these Chinese silk clothes. I saw them at the FCC event last month, I've seen them on alot of (Adopted from China) blogs, I've seen them at the Chinese New Year Parade, I've seen them in pics from places (like a kid's museum) that have a Celebration of the Lunar New Year. Asian parents, Caucasian Parents, both.

The kids seems to really love wearing them. LG doesn't have any, so I don't know if she would enjoy it or not. I was wondering, what is it about them that the kids like?

1. Very colorful

2. Feels very nice to the touch

3. Makes them feel special. Like dressing up as a princess or wearing a birthday hat

4. Means there's going to be some tasty Chinese food later

When I was about 5, I used to have a Min Nop (the jacket) which was a dark blue, with a circular pattern of a maze-type texture all over it. It had the traditional fasteners of the loop and a ball sort of like a fabric button that went up the front. I felt special when I wore it.

I also had a traditional hat, sort of like a black silk beanie. I used to like wearing that too. Although now I am appalled to have been dressed up like that.

I guess the outfits make the kids feel special, like it's celebrating them. like it's celebrating their lives. And that sounds OK to me.

Reminder for things to blog about

2008-02-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

China Ghosts – I think I’ll re-read it – and comment after my second read
Blogs I like to read – maybe I should set up a bloglines
· I like fluff - ones with pics and updates of the girls (and boys) – CNY, FCC event, playing, etc. (and BTW, Family isn't Fluff - but you know what I mean)
· I also like substance - the ‘controversial’ blogs which just chronicle ‘Life'
The way I felt about pregnancy #2, more specifically in relation to LG (who is Child #1)
Now that pregnancy#2 is gone, where are we (emotionally) about Child #2

· see if God blesses us biologically?

· Initiate paperwork for adoption#2 (and Wait for International Blessing?)
NiHao KaiLan

Some Caucasian Adoptive Parents wish that KaiLan had ‘more ethnic-appearing’ eyes.
Some Asian parents agree that the cartoon ‘implys’ that Round eyes are ‘better’ or more “desireable” features, even for Asians.
Some Asians would be generally offended if KaiLan had “Asian” eyes. How do you depict almond-shaped eyes without making them appear slanted?
- Anyone watch Sagwa the Cat? Amy Tan. And Chinese Braids, silk clothes, English speaking, and 'authentic' eyes.

I watched some of the first episode last night. DW said that LG liked it, she plans on recording the show for her.

WTF?

2008-02-06T12:14:00.000-08:00

I read this on SFgate.com :

"Asians were a surprise," said Bruce Cain, director of the University of California's Washington Center. "It's the first (presidential) election we have seen where Asian voters were a big factor. They are about 8 percent of the Democratic electorate.... The two major immigrant groups voted for Clinton as opposed to the candidate who has the immigrant background."

And so I infer this: Clinton is a Native American? It appears to me that she is of European descent, and I always assumed that ALL non-Native-Americans were immigrants....

Eurocentric?

edit: This article was written about Clinton vs. Obama. The quote appears edited, so perhaps something is out of context. Is the missing part because Obama was born in Hawaii (some ignorant Mainlanders, when in Hawaii, describe the contiguous States as "in the U.S." as if Hawaii was not part of the U.S.) or is it a misuse of words meaning "minority" in place of "immigrant?" Which should then read "...The two major minority groups voted for Clinton as opposed to the candidate who has the minority background." But then, the question we have to ask is, "Should a group of people vote for another person 'in the same group' versus who is qualified?" i.e. all women Dems should have voted for Hillary because she is a woman and all minority Dems should have voted for Obama because he is a minority. Oh, crap - but what about all of the Minority Women who are Dems - who were they supposed to vote for?

Home today

2008-01-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I put in a request for time off (for today) so that DW could go to the doctor for the thumbs up or thumbs down. The baby is gone, so it's thumbs down on that one. It's all about Mommy now. Thumbs up (the physical part is over, the emotional healing can begin) or thumbs down (more medical intervention).

I decided to take the whole day off (not just a 1/2 day) so that I could get some errands run and take care of a few things while LG goes to daycare. Wrong. LG has pink-eye. No day-care. Just Daddy.

LG also has a(nother) cold with lots of congestion and green snot. Lovely. Daddy has it too now. So today is based on aspirator, cloth diaper for nose wiping (LG can't stand the paper tissues), antibiotic eye drops, Motrin, and Contraband (Decon. stuff - before they pull it).

Finally grieving?

2008-01-29T07:56:00.001-08:00

LG has been part of our family for 5 months (to the day). The transition to bonding and attachment was seemingly pretty easy. She's so easy going and friendly, our main concern was trying to isloate her from family for help facilitate our primary attachment. She never expressed a grieving period when we were in China.
The last 3 nights, LG has been sound asleep , as she usually is, but wakes every 2 hours and cries. She sometimes can put herself back to sleep if we let her wail, but we like to comfort her and let her know that we are still here for her. Mostly she just likes to be held and falls asleep in my arms. Sometimes she'll lay in her crib and just hold our hands through the bars until she falls asleep again. But for the last 4.5 months, she's always slept through the night (except for certain circumstances like a cold or gassy foods). I wonder if she's grieving now...

drafting posts

2008-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I was drafting post about a positive prenancy test, nausea and sickness, but never published them because: 2 weeks after the postive test - pregnant no more.

the hows and whys of the whole thing are too much to make sense of at this time...

Looks like a Duck to me

2008-01-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Saw this story about Yul Kwon if SF Gate. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/22/BALOUJ5PM.DTL (I know there's a way to post the hyperlink, I'll edit it in later).

Basically, the story is that Yul Kwon is not able to open his Red Mango yogurt shop in North Beath because the franchise is now deemed a chain (by having 11 stores nationwide now).

If you know San Francisco, you know that North Beach is an older Italian community, and the neighborhood is directly adjacent to Chinatown. I will say it this way: North Beach residents and shop owners probably feel that a store called Red Mango belongs in Chinatown, or maybe the Clement street area, not North Beach.

Or you could dance around the issue and say that a gelato shop belongs in North Beach more than a yogurt shop. Or that the North Beach character is merely trying to be maintained (a bunch of Asians hanging out in North beach, what's next, a Tapioca Tea Shop? a Dim Sum restaurant? Why can't these people stay in their own part of town) They are taking over the whole City!

Quacks like a Duck.

Smells like a Duck, too.

edit: Oh, and I'm not saying it's wrong, or that the store should open, because if I wanted to get an affogato in a cafe in North Beach, then I'll go to North Beach. If I want to get some Asian-style flavored dessert, I'd go to one of those areas (Chinatown or Clement St. - or over to Mitchell's for some jackfruit ice cream!)

It's called Rickshaw Font

2008-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

And I hate seeing it on Chinese restaurants. Well, let me clarify. It's usually not used on quality or authentic Chinese restaurants. Most of the time it would be used on a Chinese-American take-out type place. Where things like chop suey are served (what is chop suey anyway?)

At any rate, I think it's lame to see it on Adopting from China blogs. Sometimes you see it with Japanese images as well. Uh, that's not Chinese culture. I guess it's supposed to "look" like a Chinese person used an ancient Chinese calligraphy brush and 'wrote' English words and numbers with it in a sort of Chinese-way? Or that the Japanese images look Asian, and Chinese kids are Asian, so therefore it's OK?

But then again, my sister has mistakenly bought Japanese chopsticks, thinking they were decorative Chinese chopsticks! (there's alot of history there, but I'm getting into it now)

On attachment and regression

2007-12-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

So I'm talking with someone at work who was relating a story about her daughter (who is 4 yrs old). Her daughter was being demanding and insistent that the parents help her brush her teeth, get dressed, etc. She was told that she was 'a big girl now' and theat she needed to do these things by herself. It escalated into an argument over 'who was boss of whom' and ultimately there was a time-out issued in the bedroom with a removal of all of the girl's possessions.

Another person asked, "Do you think it's because she missed you during your vacation last week?" (she went on a week-long vacation sans child) The answer was something like, "No, she was with my mom, who she already spends overnights with and my mom watches her 2 days a week anyway. She was just being difficult."

Could be. Hard to tell. I don't have a 4-year old. We weren't there. We don't know the family dynamics. But as part of a family who has spent time learning first-hand about attachment strategies*, what I heard was a regression strategy to foster re-attachment to affirm to the girl that her mom is going to take care of her. Not conscious, but to me, expressed Loud and Clear.

*As a back-up to this, I have seen this in my sister's family, where her children at age 6 and 4, when left at our parents' house for a few hours, would constantly ask us if their Mom and Dad were coming back to get them. And when they did (come back for them), they would insist on being carried, and snuggle on the couch, and in general, show some regression behaviors - which to me means, "I need a way to reconnect with you."

I hope it will be so clear to me what my child's needs are as she grows older.

Bullets

2007-12-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

for all the topics meant for discussion:

"lucky"
bamboo font or "Chinese-sliver" (that's what I'm calling it until I find out what it's called) font
China Ghosts
Relative Choices
moi-moi (mei-mei)
FCC
teaching Chinese culture

It's all in the Details

2007-12-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

The details – why does everyone want to know the details? This is a general question, to which I’ll say – I guess they are nosey or gossip-y. The details don’t really matter. Like when you hear that so-and-so doesn’t work for the company anymore. “Why? Was (s)he fired?” “Where did (s)he go?”

How about “So-and-so is adopting…:” “Why?" "Can't have kids?" Etc. etc.

Is (s)he adopted? Where is (s)he from?

“(S)He is adopted from China…” “Do you know the birth parents?” “Was (s)he was abandoned?” Etc. Etc.

Where? What’s was her name? What are you naming her? Why? How long have you had her? How is it going? (meaning what dramatic attachment stories can you tell me)

For many of us adoptive parents, the details are private. Why. When. Where. How. I’m talking about OUR details. So if you think I’m protective or private about my details, you can expect that I’m private about my daughter’s story. Which in the IA blogging world, costs you credibility. Unfortunate, but true. I wish I could be as open and honest as so many are. I wish I felt comfortable posting pics of my family. I wish I was able to be comfortable sharing. I’m just not. But it is so hard to try to blog about something, and not give any details. I am going to try to share enough, but also to retain the specifics for anonynimity’s sake.

Why anon blogging? Because when it comes to sharing our journey, there many things we go through that only other IA parents can relate to. And those we know who might be putting us through the wringer as they also go through their own journey as an outside insider (i.e. our parents, siblings, coworkers) get their feelings hurt when we discuss how we deal with them. So we can't really blog about our 'process' or the 'journey (emotional growth)' of adopting on our 'Family Blog.' Sucks but that's the way it is. One of the Not-So-Rosy parts. and even if I was open about who I am, the readers, well, a reader might actually know someone in my family or at my work, etc. And you know where that's going....

So in reference to China Ghosts, I applaud Jeff for sharing his story and his daughter’s story. And also all of the others in the blogosphere who do the same. It really helps many of us feel ‘normal.’ And at the same time, I cringe and shudder at the loss of privacy for our kids. They don’t know it now, but they will pay a price when they get older. I hope that our families and friends will be sensitive with whatever information they do have when our kids get older.

BTW, I'll be posting more about China ghosts later (as soon as I tear it from my wife's hands!)

China Ghosts

2007-12-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

I started reading this last night. Got almost halfway. I'll post about it when I'm done, but I will say right now, I had a few tears so far. It's touching how open Jeff is and his story parallels mine right now. So far, looks like a must read for all China Dads.

What do I do for fun?

2007-12-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

So I'm going into the building at work, and passing by the Ducati monster parked outside. Today I notice the scratches on the muffler. Huh? I stop, go back a few steps. Dang, the brake pedal is bent, too. I hope the guy's OK. I sort of miss my bike and my free-wheeling days when I used to ride (sold my bike years ago, even before we were 'planning' for kids). But then again, there's lots of things I used to do (and sort of miss doing) that I would gladly give up to allocate resources and time for L.G

It's much easier to feel that way now that we actually have her, although I gave up a lot to complete our application process. This means time that I might have allocated to 'me time' was dedicated to working extra hours. Of course, in the past, extra hours and extra pay meant a little more spending cash. Well, it's still spending cash, only for things like re-fingerprinting and renewing the I-171. But now that we're home, it's a toss up between working less hours for more bonding time versus trying to make more money to offset the extra costs of having a child. i.e. try to cushion the savings again or even try to cover the cost of daycare.

It would be nice to ride again. But even if I had a free (or paid for) bike, there's still the cost of insurance (even at $50/month - there's so much more I could do with that for LG) and the impractical aspect - What if I have to go pick her up from daycare? Then I'd have to go home, switch vehicles, etc. And then - how would having a bike help with bonding time? Not very helpful if I go out on a ride all-day Saturday.... So, no more bike (at least for about 5 years).

I enjoyed trips to the snow country. Go ride the slopes. Now at $70 per lift ticket, that makes it a $120-150 day (including gas and cheap food). If I make a day-trip. Except the thing is, I'm starting to feel it now, and the 4-hr up, ride all day (or even 1/2 day for $60), and 4-hr drive back would just kill me now. So if we (my buddy who is also a new dad) stay at a dump for $120 (we're still young enough and now we're broke enough to split the cost of a room with 2 beds), we're still looking at $200-250 (again with cheap food) for the weekend. What?! Now we can get away and ride the slope (sans young children) for a weekend?! I don't think so, dude. And again, you know what I can do for L.G with $200? Dang, I used to go up to the slopes almost every weekend! Youth. Wasted on the young.

Then there's the broken Jet Ski. I don't want to spend the $200 needed to repair the engine. Again, you know what I could do with $200 (for L.G)? And even if it was in good working order, there's the launch fees and gas costs (about $30-40/day?). And these days, who wants to use up their gas going around in circles on a lake? Not me. Unless L.G can go, too. Since she's under 2, I don't think she'll be going anytime soon.

So for now, we'll stick with trips to the grocery store, park, coffee house (for Daddy, not L.G - although L.G can have her warm M-I-L-K there), babies-rus, and the ever so popular Tarjay. Practically free (since we'd go to these places pre-L.G anyway) and enhances our bonding time, too. Even better is watching Baby Einstein together. Totally free and yet, priceless.

Why China

2007-12-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

When we decided to adopt, China seemed like an obvious choice. We know other families who have adopted from China, and 1 family in particular chose to share their experience with us. They referred us to their Agency, and we went to an orientation about a month later.

The China Adoption program has a pretty long history, and has a reputation for healthy kids. This was a deciding factor. It was about a year-long process, which seemed like a "fair" amount of time. Another factor was that it is not an Open Adoption. Another factor is that by adopting from China, we hope to be able to provide a very good sense of cultural identity, as our families are from China, too.

It was never our intention to adopt from China to "fly under the radar." I know it happens (flying under the radar) and I know that some adoptions with similar ethnic backgrounds are intended to fly under the radar, even to the point of not telling the child. Some cultures even do this within a family, when a unmarried girl (or young woman) finds herself pregnant, an older family member (maybe the the girl's mother and an aunt) will adopt or raise the child as theirs. So even though we had some strong predictions that the child (probably a girl) would "look like us," we always knew we would be open (with her) about her history.

But we do (fly under the radar). We've been a family for a few months now, and even with our family members, some are "forgetting" the adoption. They forget that we didn't birth the Little Girl. They forget that we didn't have breast milk for her, that we didn't do night feedings, that we skipped straight from formula only to formula and table food (she was already a year old with teeth), that she didn't inherit our genetic material. The conversations that imply the forgetting aren't painful, though; so I guess it just means that as a family, we interact as if we've been together forever.

It definitely feels that way.

about Fatherhood

2007-12-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

I seem to be spending a lot of time these days thinking about adoption. What does it mean to participate in an adoption? When a person decides to be an adoptive parent, there’s a lot of ‘stuff’ that comes with. It is usually not a decision made lightly, and many choose the path based on different circumstances. Many people relate adoption to pregnancy. The outward appearance is the same. I think the only similar aspect is that at the end of it, a child and parents (or a parent) come together as a family.

Starts with the pregnancy test, then the confirmed pregnancy test, then over the next 8 months, the first ultrasound, the first audible heartbeat, the first kicks, the labor, the breaking of the water, the delivery, the night feedings….

I know it’s always quite so simple. There is often a ‘journey to getting pregnant’ - (which is another post altogether).

I can talk about the initial paperwork, the social worker visits (homestudies), the fingerprinting, the physical exams, making all the copies, getting everything notarized, the excitement of doing the ‘paperchase’ and getting started, telling people the news – anticipating getting DTC and the next important milestone, the LID. And waiting for 9 months until referral. Wow, sounds like a pregnancy? Just the 9 months part. Nothing (except for hair pulling, depression, shopping therapy)happens during the Wait; no prenatal appts, no sonograms, etc. and then as each month goes by, you actually begin to see that as month 1 went by, the wait went up to 11 months, etc etc, until a year has gone by and the Adopting from China community is telling you that you expected time for referral (imagine this as your first sonogram) isn’t going to happen until about 20 months after your LID (which is similar to your confirmed pregnancy test).

Hmm, so it’s not really similar at all? The process and emotional journey (I can only assume – since I have only experienced becoming a parent one way) are completely different.

But the end result; I am a father to a beautiful girl. So does anything else matter?

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